Monday, April 7, 2014

the stress is building

I am someone who adapts very well to change; however, I'm learning that I really hate uncertainty.  I need to have a clear idea in mind as to what I want and how I'm going to make it happen.  When I don't have a clear plan, or my plan depends on things that aren't under my control, it's very stressful and I generally feel like life is horrible.  I know; I'm being a drama queen.

Things have been a little stressful lately.  We're in the beginning stages of trying to sell our house; I dread going to work everyday and regret taking this job; and I'm now facing the reality that if the other job doesn't come through, I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

We've been wanting to move for at least five years.  The neighborhood is going downhill and we're surrounded by small businesses.  For the most part, the businesses don't bother us; however, one of the businesses is quite busy and frequently there are delivery trucks lined up outside the house.  They block the driveway, leave their engine idling, are usually noisy, and sometimes the driver actually just parks in the middle of the street and goes to hangout in the building.  Also, we want more space.  Even though we have a fair amount of space, it's just not a good layout so it feels smaller.

Unfortunately, we didn't decide we wanted to move until after the housing market plummeted, which means we're possibly upside down in our mortgage.  We're getting an appraisal soon and plan to approach the businesses on either side to see if they want to buy.  Both are interested in expanding so we have a good shot.  If we can't sell to them then we will have to put the house on the market.  That's fine, but it could take a long time given our location.  I really don't want to rent the house out because that lowers the amount we can spend on a new house.  Plus, I just don't want to be a landlord to strangers.

In terms of work, I dread everyday I have to get up and go.  I chose the wrong job.  During the time I was unemployed after my previous bank closed, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I wanted to do next (I was previously a "Jill-of-all-trades").  I thought I had it figured out, and was 100% convinced I did, but about a week and a half after I started the new job it dawned on me that I chose the wrong job; I should have chosen the job that was offered to me by another bank the day before I accepted this offer.  Actually, my gut knew before I did.  The first day when I drove up in the parking lot, I got this overwhelming feeling that I was in the wrong place.  I dismissed it, though, thinking it was panic at starting a new job after 17 years in the same place.  It's not like me to not listen to my gut, or to weigh the options and think it through.  So now I'm stuck in a job I'm unhappy in.  So, I go to work, do my 8 hours, and come home.  And I'm miserable.  

I contacted the other bank, but there's a hold on hiring at the moment.  We may speak next month, though, so there's still hope.  However, if that falls through I am faced with having to figure out what kinds of jobs to apply for.  I haven't a clue.  I actually bought a book that should help me so I'm in the process of reading that.  I never thought I'd be asking myself, "What do I want to be when I grow up?"

So, that's my life lately.  In terms of eating, I'm handling the stress well.  I'm not overeating or grazing.  I'm not eating any junk.  Prior to surgery I would have stopped at McDonald's and ordered a Big Mac value meal and chicken mcnuggets.  Then a little while later I would probably have a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Someday I'll be brave enough to post a sample pre-surgery menu.  A "day in the life," if you will.  But I'm not there yet.

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