insults disguised as compliments...

I was on a bariatric surgery forum this morning and someone posted that she had always had people tell her, "You have such a pretty face."  It reminded me of all the times well-meaning people have said this to me, thinking it's a compliment when it's actually an subtle insult.  It's basically saying that the rest of me is fat and ugly, and the only thing remotely attractive or redeeming about me is my face.   One of my first boyfriends said this to me.  "You have a pretty face, but you need to work on things from your neck down."  I was hurt, but being the people pleaser I was (I was 14), I didn't give it another thought and stayed with him.  I figured, at least he's honest.  He eventually dumped me, although very indirectly.  Now I know he was just an asshole.  If someone said that to me today I'd probably tell him where to go and how to get there, as well as what he can do to himself once he gets there.

So, the bottom line is this:  if you say this to people, please stop.  You're not complimenting the person. You're making them feel bad about themselves, like they're not enough.