making progress...slowly

Things are getting harder in the exercise department. Diet department, too.

I've been seeing the trainer, Mark, for about three weeks now.  I'm not feeling the pain nearly as much as I did that first week.  And what a painful week that was! I had to use the handicap toilet stall so I could use the railing to lower myself down. For the most part, I don't have any soreness the next day. That's good for me, but it also means Mark will work me harder. That's actually a good thing, but it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

Last Monday I did mostly arm work, like sumo squats with a kettle bell; reverse lunges with a kettle bell, which alternated from side to side; and kettle bell swings, to name a few.  And push-ups, of course; that will never go away.  Surprisingly, my aren't weren't sore the next day.

Last night was a combo of arms and legs.  Or quads, I should say.  More sumo squats with a 20 lb kettle bell; an exercise where I hold a weight in each hand, squat down and touch the floor, and then come back up and press up over my head; squats where I slam down a 12 lb medicine ball when I go into the squat; and a few other things.  He had me start using the barbell, which didn't have any additional weight on it...yet.  I know that's coming soon.  Mark then showed me the plank position, which is much harder than it looks. My base time is 15 seconds.  Not great, but it's a start.  It was a very tough workout and I was so tired when I finished last night! I'm a bit sore today, but not as bad as that first week.

My "home work" for the next week or so consists of:

• Jogging in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers, alternated three times for a total of 8 minutes
• Total of 50 walking lunges
• 3 sets of 20 body squats
• 3 sets of 15 squat jumps
• 4 sets of how ever many push-ups I can do:  I still can't do a full push-up, but I'm getting there.  I can do about 7 to 8 per set now.
• Plank, as long as I can hold it

Mark measured my weight and body fat last night for the first time:  226.4 lbs and 38.4%.  Not terrible, but I have some work to do.

I have to say, I'm definitely not in the mood to do it today, but I will do it anyway.  I want results and I eventually want this extra skin removed.  It's mainly my abdomen that's an issue.  When I was doing the squats where I had to touch the floor with the weights, my stomach was definitely in the way and prevented me from going down farther. It was annoying.

I'm enjoying the whole experience overall.  I feel like I'm getting stronger, I have a desire to be more active, and Mark is a great trainer.  He's patient, but firm.  He's not like the trainers you see on The Biggest Loser.  Although some trainers are like that and it works for some people, that's not something I would want. He makes me work, but doesn't yell at me; he's encouraging.  He's also a fountain of information. Since I have guidelines to follow at my surgeon's office, Mark doesn't try to swing me to his side of the nutrition spectrum.  He gives me tips and tells me to use what I can, but also work with the surgeon's office.  I listen to what he has to say and try and incorporate what I can, like sticking to hard cheeses (much less processing) and limiting salt.

Well, I guess I should go do my exercise routine now...

(But I'd rather be doing this!)

my work in progress: eating, part three

Told you this was going to be long!  I think this is the post I've dreaded the most. I've considered not posting this at all, because it's really embarrassing, but maybe someone else will recognize themselves here and know they're not alone.

Continued from last week...

Eating, Part Three

I’ve talked about my eating habits, but I haven’t yet shared what I actually ate.  I mentioned that I would finally share that with you all what I used to eat on a typical day before my weight loss surgery, so I will now.  It's pretty embarrassing, but I think it needs to be done.  I won’t talk about childhood eating, since it was they typical junk food and such.  Adulthood is when it really came into its own.

Are you ready?

So, let’s say Bob went camping for the weekend. He usually left right from work, which meant we was gone when I get home from work.  That left me Friday night, all day Saturday, and half of Sunday to indulge.

Let’s start with Friday night.  On my way home from work I would pick up something from McDonald’s.  If I were going to be ordering a meal, like pizza or sushi, I would get just a double cheeseburger and a 9-piece chicken McNuggets. Then I’d go home and order sushi.  I would order two mango shrimp rolls, a spicy tuna crunch roll, a shrimp tempura roll, and a lobster tempura roll. Yes, FIVE rolls. I would also get an order or either crab rangoons or fried chicken wings.  I would eat about 70% of that and eat the rest the following day. After all, I had McDonald’s before that so I was already on my way to being full.  If I wasn’t ordering a meal later, I would get a double cheeseburger, a 9-piece chicken McNuggets, and a Big Mac value meal.  And I’d eat it all. Once in a while I would have some nuggets left over, which I would eat before the end of the night.

Saturday morning I would go to the grocery store and buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and some other snacks.  On my way home I would stop at McDonald’s and buy my breakfast, which I would eat at home.  I would order the steak, egg, and cheese bagel value meal, an extra hash brown, and a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit.  And I’d eat it all.

Lunch might be a trip to McDonald’s or Duchess.  If I went to McDonald’s I would get a Big Mac extra value meal, a double cheeseburger, and a 9-piece chicken McNuggets.  If I went to Duchess, it was usually a Crispy Chicken value meal and either a hot dog or a 9-piece chicken nuggets.
I would then snack throughout the day on whatever I bought at the grocery store.  Usually chips or maybe a bagel.

Dinner would usually be some form of fast food or delivery again.  If I had sushi Friday night, I would usually order pizza on Saturday night.  I would get a large or medium pizza and an order of Buffalo wings. I was never able to eat a whole pizza (I know that’s the image people have in their heads when they see an overweight person), so I would eat the wings and maybe three slices of pizza. Maybe an hour later I would have another slice.  All accompanied by a couple cans of diet soda.

Then Cindy would come over for a “movie and ice cream” night.  We would break out the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream—one pint each, no bowls. Sometimes we would also have homemade popcorn, popped with oil and loaded with Land O’ Lakes butter and salt. So delicious!

Sunday morning was another trip down the road to McDonald’s for a steak, egg, and cheese bagel value meal, an extra hash brown, and a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit.

Sunday afternoon Bob would get home from camping and we would usually go out for a late lunch, where I would order an appetizer and meal, like usual.

After eating all this food, I would be absolutely busting full.  It was as though I had just eaten Thanksgiving dinner--twice.    I ate like that so often that it distorted my perception of feeling full.  It was so far off that I didn’t think I was full unless I was almost ready to puke. (It's something I have to be very conscious of, even now that I've had weight loss surgery and lost over 120 pounds.)

I also ate a lot at work.  When I started working as a bank teller, I was in the downtown area.  My branch was across the street from a restaurant, Roberto’s, which served everything from pizza and burgers, to steak and seafood.  I eventually got in the habit of going across the street to Roberto’s just about every day for lunch.  I would order a Philly steak and cheese grinder with heavy mayo, and an order of fries with a side of tartar sauce (if you haven’t tried tartar sauce on fries, you should—it’s delicious!).  Several years later I was working in the administrative offices of the bank. I worked in an office building that had a sandwich shop downstairs.  I would go there before I even went upstairs to work.  I would order a sausage, egg and cheese on a toasted sesame bagel and also a buttered hard roll.  I always felt self-conscious ordering all that, so I would usually tell the clerk that the roll was for later, or that I couldn’t make up my mind about what I wanted to eat that morning.  That was a lie, of course. I ate all of it as soon as I got upstairs to my desk.  At lunchtime, I would often go to the Italian deli or to the sandwich shop downstairs and get a big sandwich, a bag of chips, a bottle of diet soda, and some sort of sweet.  That might be an average lunch for a lot of people, but it was a lot of food when I was still full from breakfast.

To be continued...

car shopping, exercise, and egg muffins

That just about sums up my weekend.

We had to go car shopping Saturday, because Bob's car decided to die last week.  He tried his best to fix it, but it's a bad valve, which means replacing the head.  A huge job to do himself (he hasn't done it before) and expensive to have someone else do (not worth it for the age of the car).  So, we went shopping for a used car.  Since this was unexpected, we can't quite spring for a new car yet.  We ended up getting a PT Cruiser...in red.  PT Cruisers are actually pretty nice. They're roomy in the cabin, have lots of storage space in the back, and get good gas mileage, which Bob needs because he drives 120 miles round trip for work every day.  We hope to pick it up tomorrow night.

My trainer gave me homework to do this weekend.  My session was Friday night and I have another tonight. Last weekend he didn't want me doing anything over the weekend, but I'm not a newbie anymore so it's time to turn up the heat.  My homework this past Wednesday and Saturday was:

• Jogging in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers, alternated three times for a total of 8 minutes
• Total of 40 walking lunges
• Total of 45 body squats
• Total of 30 squat jumps
• 4 sets of how ever many push-ups I can do (since I can only do about 1/3 of a push-up, it wasn't many)

I did it outside Sunday in the cold and wind (I admit I got lazy Saturday after car shopping).  Not fun, but I survived. I bundled up in my fleece jacket and wore gloves so I could do my push-ups and not have to touch the freezing cold pavement.  I have a really old house, and I don't want to do jumping jacks and jogging in place inside the house. It's a well-built house, but it makes me nervous.

Friday's routine consisted of mostly arm work using kettle bells at different weights. What a workout that was!  I wasn't sore Saturday, though.  Thankfully!

After doing my exercise, I decided to make some egg muffins.  I'd bought some Irish cheddar cheese a couple weeks ago and wanted to use it.  I also had some jalapeno Havarti, which I got at Aldi yesterday. I made 6 with cheddar and 6 with Havarti.  I didn't want to use regular breakfast sausage due to the high calorie content, so I used 3 Morningstar Farms veggie sausage patties. I also didn't want the added grease from regular sausage. I've found since my surgery that I don't have much of a taste for greasy food anymore. I also added a little skim milk this time, which made them fluff up a little and have a softer texture.  I've never added milk, but just decided to this time for some reason.  The nutritional facts for work out like this (per muffin):  130 calories, 8g fat, 2g carbs, 11g protein.

Irish Cheddar Egg Muffins

8 large eggs

1/2 cup skim milk

3 Morningstar Farms Original Sausage Patties, chopped

3 scallions, sliced

1/2 cup onions, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/4 teaspoon salt

Dash black pepper

6 oz. Kerry Gold Skellig Sweet Irish Cheddar, chopped (use whatever cheddar you want)

Preheat the oven to 350.

Spray a frying pan with cooking spray and heat the onions on medium heat for about 5 minutes. Add the sausage, scallions and garlic and cook about 1 minute. 

Beat the eggs with the milk, salt and pepper. Add the cooked ingredients to the egg mixture and stir.

Spray a regular 12-cup muffin tin with cooking spray.  Spoon the egg mixture into the cups. Sprinkle the tops with cheese. (You could push the cheese down into the mixture, if preferred.  Then you'll have warm nuggets of cheese inside when you cut them open.)

Bake until they are set in the center, about 20 to 25 minutes.  Pop them out of the pan within 10 minutes so they don't stick to the bottom of the pan. 

These taste best when warm from the oven, but they will chill and reheat just fine for at least 4 to 5 days.  Great for freezing, too. If using the microwave to reheat, use 60% power so they don't turn out rubbery or hard around the edges.  100% power might kill them.

my work in progress: eating, part two

This is continued from last week.  It's long so I decided to split it up.  

Eating, Part Two

As you’ve read so far, I snacked an awful lot as a kid, added tons of calories by way of chips and mayo without any thought about calories, begged for fast food before dinner, and ate second helpings at dinner quite often.   Even though I played outside a lot and rode my bike, I was never able to work off enough calories, so my weight steadily climbed.

As a teenager, I would get fast food when I went over a friend’s house.  Cindy and I lived only three houses apart, so when her parents went out on a Saturday night I often slept over.  The added bonus was that her parents would buy us fried chicken from Roy Rogers before they left for the night.  We would eat our dinner and watch TV.  Then later on we might have some ice cream.  The next morning her dad would get up early and get us chocolate muffins for breakfast.  Sometimes we had cereal, too.  At another friend’s house, her mom always ordered pizza when I came over.  Once I got a driver’s license and a job, I really shoveled in the fast food; we were close to McDonald’s, Burger King, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

What I ate greatly depended on several factors.  Was I alone or with someone?  If I was with someone, was I was comfortable being my "eating self" with that person, or was it a stranger or acquaintance?  Was I eating out in public, or was I at home?  If I was at home, was I alone or was my husband home?  All of these factors greatly affected the type and quantity of food I would eat.

If I was home alone, I ate whatever, whenever; it was almost like a vacation or a special treat.  One of the things I always looked forward to, whether I was a kid or an adult, was having the house to myself.  It was basically a license to gorge.  As a kid, those times when I was home alone were usually after school and maybe sometimes on the weekends if my parents went out.  As soon as I got home from school I would fly through the cabinets and fridge at top speed, searching for anything I could get my hands on.  I don't mean I would grab a bottle of ketchup and guzzle it.  I'm talking about chips, candy, snacks, crackers, etc.  I'll add that usually the reason I did that after school is because I would eat just some toast for breakfast (I never got up on time and would have to grab something fast) or a Pop Tart. At school I would eat my lunch my mom gave me, but lunch was very early, usually around 11:30 am or so.  That's pretty early when the school day ends after 3 pm.  In high school I normally skipped lunch, so I would go all day without eating.  I usually ate something small at home in the morning, but that’s it.  Although, many times I would go to the school’s store and buy a ton of candy.  I would often walk out with at least three candy bars; they would all be gone by the time I got home.  And when I got home, I would eat as much as I could in the short amount of time I had alone.  I didn’t want anyone to see that I was eating the equivalent of a whole meal before dinner.

I met my husband at the ripe old age of 15.  Our “dates” consisted of driving around in his 1988 Plymouth Horizon—that was a fun car!—while listening to music and drinking; Bob was 21 so he was able to buy alcohol.  We almost always went out to eat, either to the diner or for fast food.  Since we saw each other almost every day, that was quite a bit of eating out.  And, typically, when he drove me home, we would stop at 7-11 and I would buy a Slim Jim, a 7-11 cheeseburger (those things are so addictive for some reason), and a Nestle Quik.  (Nutritious meal, huh?) I think that’s when I really started to gain weight.  Eating out was something we both enjoyed, and since we didn’t have all that much in common, eating was what we did for fun; it was our common bond.

When Bob and I got married and bought our own house, I had much more time to myself.  Bob often worked nights, so I would get home and just raid the house, just like I did after school when I was a kid.  But now I was working and often bored, so I would order out sushi, Chinese, or pizza.  Or I would go to McDonald’s, which, unfortunately, was at the end of my street.

And then there were the times when Bob went camping for the weekend.  I would plan my eating while I was at work.  As I said before, having the house to myself was a license to gorge.  I would plan to order sushi usually.  But I would stop at McDonald’s on my way home from work to get started. I would order the sushi.  But not just sushi.  I would usually add a Chinese appetizer—the restaurant I ordered from sold both Chinese and Japanese food.  The following day, Saturday, I would go grocery shopping and buy Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and brownies and M&Ms for topping the ice cream, which would all get eaten that night when Cindy came over for a girl’s night.  Oh, and of course I would stop at McDonald’s for breakfast on the way home from the grocery store.  Sunday morning I would get up and drive down to McDonald’s again for my breakfast. Then Bob would come home and we would usually go out to the diner for a late lunch.

If I was eating out, I would normally order an appetizer for myself, plus my meal.  Bob would get his own appetizer and meal, also.  Depending where we went, sometimes there was a bread basket, or chips and salsa, or sometimes even popcorn. We would eat all of that. Then we would eat most of the appetizers.  When the meal came we were able to eat about half our meal and the rest would go home with us.  I often ate my leftovers later that night, but sometimes I would eat them the next day.  Oh, and I would have lots of diet soda with my meal.  I didn’t usually go too wild when I ate out, since I was in public and didn’t want to embarrass myself.

If I was eating with someone at home or at a friend’s house, how much I ate depended on how comfortable I was with that person.  Most of the time I was with Bob, so I would eat several cheeseburgers for dinner, along with some type of side dish.  A little while later I would have a snack.  And then another snack a while later.  Then maybe another mini meal after that.  If I was with Cindy, or over her house or a family member’s house, I would usually limit it to one cheeseburger and the side dish, and then maybe a snack later.

When eating with an acquaintance or a stranger, such as at a business lunch or a seminar for work, I would eat a “normal” portion, but I was usually thinking about a big steak the whole time. And I almost always finished my whole meal.  I was used to eating huge portions, so it took me a lot to feel full, or what my definition of “full” was at that time.  The whole time I would feel very self-conscious, wondering if I was, in fact, eating like a “normal” person, or if I was being a pig.

To be continued...

tonight's dinner: steak and mushrooms

Tonight I made rib eye steak on the grill, along with sauteed mushrooms.

Normally I don't buy rib eye.  I find it too fatty tasting for me.  Plus, it's usually more expensive than my preferred cut, the leaner strip steak.  But I got it for half price at the grocery store and it's been haunting my freezer for a few weeks.

I threw some Borsari seasoned salt on it and then grilled it.  I made sauteed mushrooms for my side dish; Bob got Mexican rice and corn. I sauteed the mushrooms is some olive oil, and seasoned with salt, pepper, and a little Worcestershire sauce.

This is the whole steak, which I didn't eat.  I was able to eat the left side of the steak and a few mushrooms.  Bob got the rest of my steak.

I really need to liven up my dinner plate with some color.  It's just a big plate of brown.

bbq chicken quinoa casserole

I tried a new recipe over the weekend:  BBQ Chicken Quinoa Casserole.  

A few weeks ago, on my "me" weekend, I cooked a bunch of quinoa and stuck it in the freezer for just such an occasion when I wanted something different and didn't want to wait for the quinoa to cook.  This was the perfect opportunity to use it.  Surprisingly, I didn't need to buy anything. I had everything on-hand for once.  Shocking, I know.

This was super easy to make.  Basically, just dump all the ingredients in a bowl, mix them up, put in a casserole dish and bake until it's heated through and the cheese is melted.  I had to cook chicken breast ahead of time to make this, but I was planning on cooking a package of it anyway.  I just used a couple breasts for this, and then packed the rest away for lunches during the week.  You could definitely use a store-bought rotisserie chicken if you want it even faster.

It tasted great, although quinoa and BBQ sauce together seemed a bit strange at first.  It was more of a texture thing, though.

I will say that this is NOT light on calories or carbs, BUT it's got a lot of protein.  And it's not pasta, which is something I'm supposed to stay away from.  Plus, it's much more interesting than boring old pasta.  I put the recipe into My Fitness Pal and it came out to more than 600 calories per serving.  But that assumes 6 servings.  A weight loss surgery patient is going to get at least double that.  I changed it to twelve servings and it comes out to 337 calories, 15g fat, 31g carbs (!), 12g sugar (from the BBQ sauce) and 21g protein (!!). I'm guessing you could probably squeak out another couple servings if you wanted to, which would lower the calories more.  Or you could maybe cut back on the quinoa or cheese a bit.

I forgot to take the picture before we dug into it.  As you can see, I used quite a bit of cheese.

my work in progress: eating

I've been putting of posting this part of my book for a while now. But I think it's time to just suck it up and do it. It will be broken into several parts, as it's pretty long.

And here's the standard kitty pic as your reward for reading. :) This is Tiffany.

Eating

I used to minimize to myself and to other people the amount of food I ate.  “No, I didn’t eat that entire bag of chips!”  “My husband had a handful last week.” “No, I didn’t eat the whole box of chocolates! I dropped one on the floor and Cindy ate two.”  “No, I didn’t eat a whole pizza!  I stripped the cheese off the last slice and didn’t eat the crust from two of the other pieces.” Surprisingly, one does not get to be 343 pounds by eating “just a few chips”, or “one cheeseburger with a diet Pepsi.”  Shocking, isn’t it?

Time for me to publicly admit what I used to regularly eat before I had the gastric bypass surgery.  I’ve avoided it for a long time. It was just too embarrassing.  Still is. But since I’m writing a book, I guess it’s time to be honest and just lay it all out there for the world to see.

When I was a kid living at home, I would usually eat a second helping at dinner.  That’s assuming I liked what was being served.  (Until the day my mom died, she insisted that I “liked” the things I was sometimes forced to eat.  Seriously, what young kid actually likes stuffed peppers??) Not unusual. But I would often precede that with a big after-school snack, like a sandwich, or a couple Little Debbie snacks.  My mom always bought those for my dad’s work lunches. She would hide them so I wouldn’t eat them all, but I knew the hiding places and I’d just dive right in.  I never had just one. It was always two.  And that trend continued up until my surgery. Actually, I still struggle with that now, even after losing 135 pounds.

I used to have a small paper route, a weekly circular actually, and my mom would take me after school to deliver the papers.  My route took us down near the Burger King.  Every week I would beg my mom to take me to Burger King so I could get something.  Some weeks she would give in and others she wouldn’t. When she did, I always got a double cheeseburger with fries and a soda. And then I’d go home and have dinner on top of that.

My parents usually had ice cream in the house.  Sometimes it would be the dreaded Neapolitan or Butter Pecan.  Those were flavors I dubbed, “Old People Ice Cream.” But most often it would be Heavenly Hash—not great, but doable—and I was a sucker for chunky ice cream.  Typically, I’d get home from school and on days when my mom wasn’t home, I’d pull out the ice cream carton.  I’d grab a spoon, open the carton, and proceed to eat all the chunks. I’d then scoop the ice cream over the spots where I’d taken the chunks out so no one would know I’d eaten them all. I’d sometimes follow dinner with a giant bowl of ice cream while watching TV.  If we had only chocolate ice cream, I would get really creative. I would spoon in some peanut butter, or maybe Rice Krispies cereal, or even some Nesquik powder (so delicious on ice cream!).  Sometimes it was all three if we had them on hand.

Speaking of being creative.  When I had a sandwich, I couldn’t just have a sandwich. It had to be topped with something, like chips.  Most of the time it was either bologna or ham, American cheese, and lots of mayonnaise.  (Actually, the amount of mayo depended upon whose house I was at.  My parents always bought Miracle Whip, which I barely tolerated.  Once in a while they would buy regular mayo, but not that often.  Cindy’s parents, on the other hand, always bought Hellmann’s.  I’m sure you know whose house I preferred for lunch.)  Peanut butter and jelly was a candidate for topping with chips, also. My favorite chips for topping sandwiches were Doritos or Fritos.  Cindy used to laugh at me when she ate lunch at my house.  We would be sitting in the sunroom, quietly eating lunch. She with her bologna and cheese on white bread with a bit of mayo, chips on the side.  I with my bologna and cheese on white bread with an obscene amount of mayo, topped with a handful of chips.  I would push the sandwich down, not only so it would fit in my mouth, but so the chips would adhere to the mayo-slathered bread, thus ensuring a minimum amount of chip spillage.  (Yes, it was a science.)  I’d then bite into my sandwich and all you could hear was a loud “CRUNCH”, followed by loud chewing.  Cindy would usually start laughing, which got me laughing; it was an enjoyable lunch.

And toast.  Toast is a wonderful thing. It’s great for breakfast, as part of a sandwich for lunch, or as a snack. One can put just about anything on toast and it tastes good.  I used to get a bit carried away when making toast. Not only did I usually make at least three pieces at a time—four if no one was around to see—but I would add things to it.  Usually it was just a lot of butter and jam, but sometimes I’d get creative and do peanut butter with Nesquik powder (instant hot cocoa powder works in a pinch), or peanut butter and Fluff.  If we didn’t have jam I’d do peanut butter and butter—one of my mom’s favorites.  I may have added Rice Krispies a few times….

Anyway, the point is that I often got creative with my food, whether it was a sandwich, ice cream or even toast, which basically ensured I got the maximum amount of fat, calories, and sugar just about every time I ate. I’ve always felt the need to embellish my food and have some variety.  It’s not enough for me to have the sandwich and chips.  It has to be a sandwich topped with chips.  And I can’t have just one of something.  It always has to be two or more.  And when I went to a restaurant, I had to get the meal and an appetizer, sometimes two appetizers, even though I couldn’t finish it. I can’t explain it other than to say I felt like I was missing out on something if I didn’t get the meal and the appetizer.  I felt like if I didn’t make the most of my meal when eating out, the restaurant might close down and I’ll never get to eat that particular item ever again.  I know that sounds strange, but that’s how it was. And I still feel that way sometimes; however, the size of my stomach after surgery and my desire to spend less money usually prevents me from ordering all that food.

For a long time I've been trying to figure out why I've always turned to food for everything.  When I'm bored, I eat.  When I'm happy, I eat.  When I'm upset, I eat. When the sky is blue, I eat.  Food was something to do when I was bored, happy, sad, stressed, or used as a reward.  You get the idea:  I could always find a reason to eat. I always assumed I ate because I enjoyed it.  It was very pleasurable—still is—and gave me a little high. (I seriously don’t understand the people who say they eat to live, or don’t enjoy eating. My mom was like that.  She ate because she knew she had to in order to control her blood sugar, but she didn’t really care all that much about food.)

But it’s not just the enjoyment and pleasure I get from eating that caused me to eat.  It was the instant gratification I got from it.  I've always been someone who needs results now and eating gave me that enjoyment immediately.  Now that I’m older, I see that pattern throughout my life.  I was never a money saver.  I knew kids who would save up their allowance for weeks in order to buy something. Not me.  If I had $1.00 in my hand, I had to spend it.  I just couldn't save it.  Why wait all that time to buy something bigger later, when I could buy something smaller now and get instant gratification? Lots of times I didn't even wait until I had the money in my hands.  I was often in the red with my allowance.  I would beg my parents to buy me something and then tell them to keep my allowance until the item was paid off.

I realize now that I also felt a compulsion to eat. I don’t mean that every night I stood in front of the fridge, in the dark, at 11 pm and binged on anything I could get my hands on, or that it completely took over my life.  What I mean is that when I was presented with a meal, it was like someone was giving me a job to do.    There was a plate of food in front of me and it was my job to finish it.  Since I was very driven in my work life, that’s how I treated food:  it was a job that had to be done to the best of my abilities.

Lots of people say that if someone’s obese it’s because they had a traumatic childhood or they’re depressed or they have family issues.  I’m sure that’s true in many cases.  But sometimes people are obese because they love to eat, and their desire to eat outweighs their desire to be thin.  Sure, they would love to be thin and are likely upset that they can’t get themselves under control.  But the instant gratification, the high, which someone gets from eating is a very powerful force.  I know, because I spent my whole life chasing the feelings that come from instant gratification. I’m sure part of the reason I wanted that high was because I had such an awful time as school.  I felt horrible about myself all the time and food made that feeling go away temporarily.  When I was eating, I was focused on the moment: the smell of the food, the texture, the taste, and the look.  I wasn’t thinking about being called ugly names for the umpteenth day in a row.

So, what does it take to become 343 pounds at the age of 38?  It takes years of sustained overeating.

To be continued...

oh, my sore muscles!

Well, they're not that sore.  Not yet anyway. But it's only the first day after my first training session. I'll probably feel it even more tomorrow.

Last night was my first formal personal training session, and I can't believe how quickly it went by!  45 minutes was over before I knew it.  Mark, the trainer, said 45 minutes is a long time, but it didn't feel like it.  However, he gave me a lot of rest breaks.  He said the purpose of the first few sessions is to acclimate my body to exercise.  Not that I've never done exercise, but I've never really done anything outside of jumping on the treadmill or elliptical for a 30 to 45 minutes, and some weight machines. He said it takes some time to build up the muscles and get the body used to doing different things.

The routine started off with three sets of jogging in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers.  I had to go slow with the mountain climbers.  I've never done them before, so my hands kept slipping and my feet kept getting caught.  (Note to self:  remember to use the bathroom before training, even though I don't feel like I have to go and even though I went recently. Kind of like when kids say they don't have to go--yes they do and they just don't know it. Jumping jacks made me realize that!)  Next it was body squats, lunges, and then squats with a 12-pound medicine ball, which I had to raise over my head and then slam it down.  Each of those was three sets of ten. Then it was a few arm exercises.  Finally, he showed me some stretches for my back, since I have back issues, like muscle spasms and mild scoliosis.

As I was leaving, Mark told me to make sure I hold onto the railing while walking down the stairs, because legs will "feel funny."  He wasn't kidding!  Even with holding on to the railing, I still nearly fell down the five stairs!  And walking up and down the stairs at home last night was really tough. 
Walking the stairs is still tough today, although not as bad. My upper arms are sore, and my leg muscles just feel worn out. 

I like the trainer's style and the fact that he explains everything and repeats himself in order to cement it in my mind.  I also like that he's into the same music as I am. He's into AC/DC, so he's OK in my book. :)  During our session he played some Bon Jovi, Queen, and some 70s stuff.  No top 40 music for us!  He said he hates the "thump, thump, thump" music.

I'm excited for the next session, which is Friday. And I'll make sure to hit the bathroom right before I leave. (Speaking of which, it's becoming harder and harder to sit down and get up from the toilet as of the time I'm scheduling this post.  I'm making a point to use the upstairs bathroom so I have something hold on to. LOL)

Let's call this my "before" picture.  I probably should have worn something a little more form-fitting, but taking the picture was a spur of the moment thing.

my first meeting with the trainer

I'm sore.  Not super sore, but sore nonetheless.  My inner thighs hurt when I stand up and my upper arms hurt when I left them.   

Wednesday night was my first appointment with Mark, the personal trainer.  He said it would be an "easy night," which would be spent at "an easy walking pace on the treadmill for 20-25 minutes" while he asked me a lot of questions. He would then do some physical assessments so he could make a training plan for me. Sure, that's great.

I got there and we got right to work.  I got on the treadmill and he had me set it to my liking.  I typically warm up at a pace of 2.5 MPH and then increase to 3.0 to 3.5 MPH and walk for 30 minutes or so.  I set it to 2.5 and we started.  He asked me all about my health, physical condition (have I injured anything or do any parts of my body give me problems?), home life, work, etc.  Pretty much everything except my sex life.  About 10 minutes in I started getting out of breath--I had forgotten that I would be talking the whole time and wasn't used to talking while on the treadmill. He pushed the speed down a bit and then I was fine.  We talked so much that I ended up walking for 40 minutes.

Then he did the physical assessment, which would help Mark determine what my training plan should be.  He said he needed to asses my core strength, my range of movement, any weaknesses in my joints, and any other trouble spots.  It involved balancing on a big ball while sitting and holding out one leg and arm, balancing while standing on a soft platform (harder than it sounds!), squats, and lunges. He also tested my pulse, had me use some big ropes attached to the wall (think Biggest Loser), and then tested it again.  He said it was good, so I'm happy about that.  He didn't want it to spike to 140 or 150; mine went from 80 to 110.  Then, the dreaded pushup.  UGH!  I've never been able to do a pushup and Wednesday night was no exception.  I got into position and could hold it, but once I started going down, gravity just pulled me the rest of the way.  And I couldn't push back up. Well, eventually I'll be able to do it.  If so, then it will be the first time in my life.

That night I was very sore.  I started feeling it almost immediately in my hamstrings.  Yesterday my inner thighs and arms hurt.  They're still a little sore today, but not bad at all. It's surprising, though, because I didn't feel like I really did anything of substance.  Guess my muscles haven't been used in a long time.

I really enjoyed the appointment and I really like Mark.  He's very nice and not nearly as intimidating as I expected (former MP!  trains state police!).  He's very open and honest, and explained the why and how of everything he did, what he will do, what I will do, etc.  I think I'm going to like working with him.

So, my first homework assignment is 20 lunges today and tomorrow, and 8,000 steps everyday.  It doesn't seem like much, but I barely break 4,000 steps since I sit at a desk all day.  And watch a lot of Golden Girls on the weekend.  However, just by walking around the outside of my building at work I can easily add about 1,500 steps; it's about a 1/2 mile around.

My first real appointment is on Monday night.  Wish me luck!!

time to get fit!

I have to admit, weight loss surgery has made me even less inclined to exercise.  Mainly because the pounds just fly off in the first six months.  The post-ops who go on about how they love exercise, love the gym, the gym is their life, etc., just totally baffle me. Don't get me wrong--I understand they've found a new habit and that helps them stay on track.  But I just get the whole love of exercise.  Do I have a lot more energy since losing weight?  Yes.  Does it make me want to get off my ass and go to the gym?  No.  I'm much more inclined to go run errands or do stuff around the house or yard.  I've exercised off and on since surgery, but haven't put any real effort into it. But that's about to change.

A couple weeks ago I finally made the decision to go to a personal trainer. Why?  Three reasons:  1) I need the push; 2) I need to learn what I should be doing and how I should be doing it so that I get maximum benefit and I don't hurt myself; 3) I eventually want to have the excess skin removed around my abdomen, and in order to have a successful surgery and easier recovery, I need to have a very strong core.

Now, before someone says, "Just exercise and the skin will go away!", no it won't.  The surgeon told me that, the dietitian told me that, the trainer told me that, and I know it from researching and talking to other WLS patients.  So please don't even go there. (I get highly annoyed when people say crap like that. I shouldn't because they're not in my shoes and don't know better, but still.) I've had a whole lifetime of weight gain and loss and back again.  My skin is worn out and no amount of exercise will make it snap back.  Imagine an old pair of elastic-waist pants.  You stretch the waist and it doesn't snap back.  Same thing with my skin. Anyway...

I chose a place close to my house.  I went to see it last week.  The owner, Ryan, opened the place last April.  I like the place:  it's very clean, it has two private training studios (it's not a gym), and there's a nice variety of equipment.  I'm sad there's not an elliptical machine, but I can go to the gym for that. I'm a little nervous that there are no weight machines, as that is what I've used any time I've gone to the gym.  I've never used the barbells or free weights. He mentioned a pull-up bar and all I could think about was elementary school; I could never do even one pull-up.  I thought it would be a quick look around, but I was there for almost two hours!  We talked about my diet, my past weight loss efforts, physical ability, etc.  Ryan didn't try to sell me anything, and actually said that I don't need to come three to four times a week.  He feels two days is best, because it can get very expensive very quickly.  He said as long as I supplement with at least two other days of exercise, two days with them is enough:  I'll learn what I need to learn in order to move on, I won't get overworked, and it won't be super expensive.   He said the only way I should do more training sessions is if I'm completely unmotivated to exercise by myself.  He also explained that he has several trainers and he wants to make sure it's a match on both ends, so I shouldn't feel bad if I want to switch for someone else.

When I emailed Ryan initially asking for pricing information, I totally expected him to tell me I have to come in and we'll talk about.  Nope.  He actually gave me the information.  That impressed me and gave me the sense that he's not going to give me a hard sell.  And he didn't.  Didn't try to sell me supplements or anything like that either.  Best part was that a Groupon came up in my email that same night. Plus, Groupon gave me a promo code for $30.00 off. So I get 5 training sessions for $70.00 total.  Then after that I'll start paying the regular rate. I won't be able to continue past three months due to cost, but this should give me the solid foundation I need.

Ryan paired me with another trainer, since he's not available at the same time I am.  The trainer trains the state police cadets every morning, which is a little intimidating.  But I had a nice long conversation with him on the phone and he explained he's not one to work his clients so hard they puke or can't move at all the next day.  He said he doesn't do that, because then no one would want to come back and they would probably give up.

I had my first appointment last night, which I'll post about this weekend.