Happy New Year!

Our tradition, which started a few years ago when I first discovered these candles at Old Sturbridge Village, is to burn a real bayberry candle down to the nub on both Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. Although it can be done on either night, I choose to burn one on both nights. Everyone can use a little extra good fortune, right? 

According to tradition:  "A bayberry candle burned to the socket puts luck in the home, food in the larder, and gold in the pocket."

2018 was a fairly quiet year, which is good--I needed a rest after 2017. No new kitties this year, and the only major event really was the announcement that the bank for which I work was acquired and I'd be losing my job this coming February. Not ideal, but I was beginning to feel that it was time to move on anyway. This just gave me the push I needed. In terms of my health, I fought a lot with chronic back pain and my eating is not what it should be, but I'm working out regularly and that is helping keep both the pain and my weight under control.

In 2019, the plan is to get the back pain under control, my eating back on track and to deal with a few things in my financial life. And to find a new job that makes me happy. 

Happy New Year!

five years post-op

Today marks five years since I had gastric bypass. Two days before Christmas, since my insurance would be changing a couple weeks later. I was discharged on Christmas Eve, and my Christmas dinner was a Fuzzy Navel protein drink and Christmas movies with my husband and the kitties.

I've been trying to figure out what I should write for this post. It snuck up on me due to Christmas, so I haven't had time to really think about it. I'll sum up the last five years:

This is the best decision I ever made for myself and my health. I thought I was healthy when I was morbidly obese, but it turned out that I had severe sleep apnea, gallstones, a hiatal hernia, acid reflux, and I was borderline diabetic.

This was easy for me, physically. Mentally, that's a different story. It's really hard to still have the desire to eat all the food and then get full after eating maybe 1/3 of my meal.

I started out at 343 pounds and my lowest weight was 203. I'm about 223 at the moment. I think a 20 pound gain over five years isn't bad at all. I've kept off more than 85% of my weight loss, which is a pretty big deal.

Although gastric bypass limits your food capacity, it doesn't fix your mind. You'll still want food, you may still want to binge, and you may even feel like crying when you can overindulge the way you used to. That's why you need to learn how to deal with your feelings in some other way. You'll no longer be able to sit down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream when you've had a bad day.

People may judge you for having had weight loss surgery. Only you can decide if you're comfortable sharing with others. Personally, I really don't give a shit if people judge me or not. I tell anyone who will listen that I've had the surgery, it's the best thing I've ever done, and it's a tool, just like any other. You get out of it what you put into it. GIGO=garbage in, garbage out. At events, I don't stand in the corner with my three little hors d'oeuvres hoping people don't notice I haven't touched it. (Although these days I can eat more that I used to right after surgery, so this isn't really A Thing anymore anyway.)

I finally developed the habit of exercise. Do I love it? Hell no. But I can deal with it. I like the way I feel when I'm done, and I like that it makes me feel strong. It also helps my back.

A few before and after pictures:

2013, before surgery.

And now, five years later.

Here are some posts of mine that tell the story.

The surgical process:

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-pre-op-process.html#.XB_iiVxKiUk (gastric bypass)

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2017/03/tummy-tuck-procedure.html#.XB_i4VxKiUk (tummy tuck)

Before and After Pictures:

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/02/before-and-after-pics.html#.XB_lP1xKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2016/10/wls-before-and-after-pics.html#.XB_gxlxKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/09/tbt-looking-back-while-moving-forward.html#.XB_hklxKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2017/02/tummy-tuck-before-pictures.html#.XB_juVxKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2017/05/tummy-tuck-update-three-month-anniverary.html#.XB_jRVxKiUk

Things I wish I knew before surgery:

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-post-op-life-things-i-wish-i-knew.html#.XB_hK1xKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-post-op-life-things-i-wish-i-knew_16.html#.XB_hRFxKiUk

Thoughts:

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/06/six-months-and-100-pounds-lost.html#.XB_iXFxKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2015/09/on-my-own-but-not-all-on-my-own.html#.XB_ixVxKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2017/03/when-will-i-feel-normal-again.html#.XB_ks1xKiUk

https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/05/what-keeps-me-going.html#.XB_qWVxKiUk

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone!

I was going to write a nice post, reflecting on the past year, but I just don't feel like it. Maybe that should be a New Year's resolution:  get better at blogging more often. Or at least putting more effort into some things. Actually, I'm serious when I say I want to get better at blogging more often. I also want to resume cooking one recipe a week from my cookbooks. I started it last year, but life got in the way.

Anyway, tonight I'm busy making rum balls for my upcoming family Christmas get-together. These things are literally 90 proof! The recipe says they need to mellow out in the fridge for a few days. I agree, as they are quite strong at the moment.

I'm also burning a real bayberry candle. The folklore goes that if you burn a bayberry candle on either Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve (or both), it will bring you good luck, health and prosperity in the new year. Hopefully that's true, as 2018 really needs to be better than 2017. It was a mixed bag, but definitely more bad than good. This year brought lots of loss, both expected and unexpected; sickness, although nothing grave; fulfillment of a longtime goal (tummy tuck); and new little ones (kittens, not kids!) in the house.

Here's to hoping that 2018 holds more of the good things!

the scale is moving and it's almost go-time!

Just a little post to say that the scale is on a downward trend!  Exercise is on point, and so is my diet. Finally!  I'm logging my food everyday, weighing and measuring my food, and I'm cooking a lot more. I think when I hit the three-weeks-from-surgery date, something just clicked. My weight is down to 210.8 as of this morning. My goal is still 199; however, I don't think that will happen by 02/27. Although, I suppose I could make it if I did one of those weird juice cleanses or something equally fad-like. But no. No, thanks. I'll lose the rest the usual way. Actually, I'll lose some when the extra skin is removed, but I don't know how much that will be. I'm hoping for 10 pounds, but thinking it will be less than that.

Surgery is now less than two weeks away and I'm getting nervous. Honestly, I'm mostly nervous about the pain more than anything. Yes, I'll have some great narcotics, but there will still be pain. But it's only temporary and I'll get over it. I bought my post-surgical compression garment, which I'll be wearing for several months. Very pretty. NOT! But it's necessary and will be under my clothes.  Over the next week and a half (!) I have a lot to do at home:  clothes shopping (need button-down shirts, as I can't pull anything over my head for a week or so); food shopping and prep; picking up any odds and ends I might need to assist with recovery; and cleaning the house.

prepping for surgery!

Surgery is only 25 days away! I can't believe it's almost here.

In preparation for surgery I've done a few things recently:  I had a physical (all is A-OK!), got my blood work done (didn't hear back yet) and I got my RMR tested.

So, RMR testing. If you don't know what that is, it stands for Resting Metabolic Rate. Basically, it's the amount of calories you burn by simply just existing in the world. You then factor in your activity level and that gives you the number of calories you should eat per day in order to maintain your weight. If you want to lose weight, you then subtract how ever many calories you need to in order to lose weight each week (3,500 calories=1 pound). Sometimes weight loss surgery messes with the metabolism making it slower than normal. Since I still want to lose a few pounds before surgery, I decided to have it tested. Then I can figure out how many calories I should be eating in order to get to my goal.

The test involves breathing through the mouth, while your nose is closed, into a small device that measures your oxygen consumption. The dietitian then inputs the resulting RMR into a program in order to generate a report for me. The test was easy, but strange. I'm not a mouth-breather, so I didn't like having a clamp on my nose and being forced to breathe through my mouth. I really had to concentrate on my breathing in order to not panic. I also couldn't swallow all the saliva that was collecting in my mouth, so that was fun. When the dietitian took the mouthpiece out I basically drooled all over myself.

It turns out my metabolism hasn't been affected, at least not that I know of, and I'm really happy about that. Actually, it's faster than I thought it would be and that's likely because I've built muscle through strength training; muscle burns more calories than fat. My RMR is 2,100 calories. So, I burn 2,100 calories just by living. If I factor in my activity level, I need about 2,300 calories to maintain my current weight. However, activity level was difficult to determine, because I'm doing strength training and not cardio, which is what all the websites use. I fall in between light and moderate activity, so we're going with about 2,100 calories to maintain. Since I want to lose two pounds a week (preferably more!), I need to cut 1,000 calories a day to total 7,000 calories a week (that equals two pounds per week lost).

So, the final result?  My diet is staying right where it is for the next few weeks:  1,200 calories a day.  All I have to do is stick to my calorie budget and I'll lost the weight.

Now I need to buy my post-surgical garment AKA sausage casing...

a woman with a plan

It's official:  plastic surgery is two months from today! (And my pre-op appointment is January 4!)

As I've mentioned before, I'm really struggling with getting my diet on track and finding the motivation to stick with my exercise routine. I'm still working with the trainer, but I'm struggling on the days I don't see him. My diet...I don't even want to go there. But I did a lot of thinking the last few days and I made a plan of attack.

I'm going back on the bariatric meal replacement shakes. I'm thinking two a day and then one real meal. Don't worry--I'll have all the nutrition I need.  These shakes are designed to be high quality meal replacements. I feel this will take a lot of focus off food, which is what I need right now. I won't have to prep it, think about it, plan it much, or obsess over it. It should also help me flush the cravings from my system. I think one of the pitfalls for WLS patients is that we tend to replace bread and pasta with crackers or other crunchy carbs. That's what makes us crave other things we shouldn't be eating, like cookies, candy, etc.

I'm going to drink more water. I haven't been doing well with that lately and I need to improve. Perhaps I'd feel better if I was drinking more water. I'm sure I wouldn't be snacking as much!

I'm going to cook more. I'll be posting later in the week about that, but the plan is to cook more; I haven't been doing much of that lately and I need to get back to it.

And, finally, I'm going to give it my all with my workouts. I have to stop whining and babying myself. I usually use the excuse of work making me mentally drained, or my back is hurting from sitting at my desk all day so I'm going to take it easy. I mean, yeah, I don't want to make my back worse, but I do need to do the work still. I'll just lighten the weights that day.

I've gotten myself into such a rut that I find I don't desire meals at all. All I want to do is continuously snack or drink my homemade mocha lattes. Sure, my lattes have a lot of protein and are fairly low in sugar, and I only have one a day, but I should be drinking water instead.

I'm hoping that by doing all the things I listed above I will lose the last 15 pounds I want to lose before surgery. It's not necessary, but I really want to get under 200 pounds. I'm 214 right now, so 199 is the goal.

I can do this!!

a new, fast (gruelling!) workout

This is how I felt after my workout today.

I've been struggling mightily lately, both in terms of working out and eating right. I think what started it was my trainer being on medical leave for six weeks, followed by lots of back pain due to many long distance car trips in a short amount of time, and more time than usual at my desk at work. I started out pretty good while he was gone.  The first three weeks went well. The second three weeks, not so well. I at least worked out two of those three weeks. The last week I was on vacation and figured with all the walking I did it would even out. Um, not so much.

My first week back at the studio was over two weeks ago, and it was rough. He took it easy on me, but it still wasn't too pretty. Luckily I had worked out on my own the day before, so I didn't have any soreness from my workout with him the next day. The second week went much better, and I worked out on my own in between. Last week and this week, though, I'm on my own again, as he's out of town. I worked out as well as I could last week; however, my back was an absolute mess from travelling more than 10 hours in the car the previous weekend so I took it easy.  I mostly did a lot of walking on the treadmill, followed by several sets of squats, lunges, and push-ups.   My back is starting to feel better this week, so I decided to do a harder workout.

Awhile back I asked for a condensed workout I could do when pressed for time. My trainer sent one to me last week. It's seven different exercises that are done for one minute each and then repeated. It's supposed to take 28-31 minutes, including a short warm-up.  When I looked at it I thought, "Hmm that's not so bad." Since I got a late start in the gym after work today, I decided to try it.

Here's my express workout routine:

• Warm-up 5 min. combination run in place, jumping jacks, mountain climbers

Rest 1 minute

All exercises are one minute in duration and I have to do as many as I can in that one minute. Rest 30 seconds between each exercise.

• Kettle bell swing, 25 lbs.
• Sumo squats, 25 lbs.
• Push-ups
• Reverse lunges, 15 lbs.
• Dumbbell press, 10 lbs.
• Mountain climbers
• Body squats

Rest 1-2 minutes and then repeat the whole set.

One minute in duration doesn't sound like much, right? Wrong!  This was my first time doing it and it was tougher than I thought it would be. I made it through both sets, and I couldn't make a full minute, or even 30 seconds, on the mountain climbers and push-ups.  I think I had a hard time with those because this routine is very arm-heavy.  The dumbbell presses were tough, too, after about 30 seconds, but I made the full minute on those. The squats, sumo squats, and kettle bell swings were fine, although I reduced the weight to 20 lbs on the sumo squats and kettle bell swings because my back is still bothering me a bit. The reverse lunges really tired me out, but they always do, so that's nothing new.  I'm going to try this again tomorrow.

In order to help me get through the next three months until my surgery, I asked my trainer to give me short-term goals so it doesn't feel like such a grueling stretch of time. I've figured out that I'm not good with long-term goals and deadlines, whether it's at home or at work. I need short deadlines and smaller goals; if it's not in front of face and breathing down my neck I basically just screw around until the last possible minute and then cram. Obviously, that's not going to work with weight loss and core strengthening, which will prepare me for surgery. The way I handle my job is to break projects up into smaller goals with closer deadlines, which helps me cross the big finish line. I realized that I need to do that with my workouts and eating, too. So, my first goal for myself is to get back to working out five days a week and to stop all the snacking at work, and the deadline is the end of next week.  I'm going to start this week--actually I already did--by working out at least three days and not visiting my team's cubicle area at work to grab snacks (they always have snacks over there).

excess skin removal: date set!

Surgery date:  February 27, 2017!!

I didn't need to schedule the surgery this far in advance, but I wanted to. I'm someone who needs something concrete to look forward to and plan for. Although I might do things spontaneously sometimes, I usually need a date on the schedule for the bigger things (sometimes even the small things); it gives me the push I need to get going and keep going.  I figure it will keep me on track with exercise, eating right, and saving money. 

I really need this to be on the schedule, because I can feel my motivation and discipline flagging lately. My trainer is on medical leave for knee replacement, so I'm going it alone for a month or so.  I'm still working out, but I find myself eating whatever I want, whenever I want, which basically cancels out any calories I burn while working out. I'm still building muscle, but I'm not losing weight.

Speaking of building muscle, I love the fact that my upper legs have shape to them now, because my quadriceps are getting bigger and stronger. My upper arms have muscle now, too. I find myself looking at them when I have to lift something, like a 40 lb. bag of cat litter or mulch. I'm pretty sure my husband has caught me doing that a few times. LOL

Now that the surgery is on the schedule, I find myself thinking about all the ins and outs, some of it routine, some scary, and some just weird.

1. Will the fluid drains be really uncomfortable? How bad will they hurt when they're removed? (I've heard it hurts...)
2. How much pain will there be? I'm a total baby when it comes to pain.
3. How will I wash my hair the first few days? I dread going to my first follow-up, which I think is the next day, with wild hair.  My hair is naturally curly and requires gel to be tamed. I can't just get up and brush my hair like so many other people.
4. How will my new belly button look and feel?  If you didn't know already, the surgery requires the belly button to be relocated. That totally freaks me out.
5. Will I have phantom sensations in the areas where skin was removed? And because the skin will be pulled down, if I scratch under my boob, will I feel it lower in the abdomen? (Yes, I'm really wondering about that.  Do the nerves get moved as well and the skin??)
6. How long will it be before I can sleep on my side? I'm a side sleeper, so sleeping on my back in a recliner is going to be awful for me.
7. When they pull the skin down to tighten it, will that pull my boobs down lower? I hope not!

So, yeah, these are the things I'm thinking about. My pre-op consultation is on January 4, 2017, so I'm sure a lot of these questions will be answered then. Until then, I'll just have to Google it. Although, that's not always a good thing. There's so much conflicting information out there, and everyone's experience is different.  And then there's the photos.  Google photos of abdominoplasty and panniculectomy and see what you find...

excess skin removal: it's happening!

I posted last week that I was denied by my insurance for panniculectomy and abdominoplasty to remove the excess skin.  I was really devastated at the time, because I really want to be rid of this skin. Not only is it a reminder of so many years of being overweight and being harassed at school mercilessly, but it's just plain uncomfortable. I've been working out hard and consistently for almost 6 months now, and no amount of exercise will take this skin away. It's been stretched beyond it's limits and is worn out. So, the only other option is to pay for it myself.

I lived in dread for five days, worrying that it would be so expensive that it would be forever out of my reach--I'm not willing to take out a huge loan that will take years to pay, and I'm also trying to pay off my debt.  Well, I got the call Monday and the quote was WAY less than I thought it would be.  I was fully expecting $20,000.00 or more, which is why I didn't want to take a loan. Nope:  $7,000.00.  Seriously.  I was flabbergasted! The receptionist explained that the fee covers the panniculectomy and a full abdominoplasty with lipo, as well as the anesthesia (I should hope so! LOL).  I then asked how long the hospital stay is. She said it's out patient. WHAT?!  I can't even imagine coming home the same day knowing what they do for those procedures. Also the location of those procedures; we use those muscles for just about every move we make during the course of a day.  She said that I could stay overnight if I want to, but the hospital stay is expensive. And it turns out that even with insurance, people are typically home the same day.  Times have changed from when people were in the hospital for a week with the most minor surgery.

I asked about appealing the insurance denial; however, the receptionist explained that we can't appeal because my employer has specifically excluded plastic surgery from the policy, even in cases where it's medically necessary. I'd have to appeal to my employer directly and convince them to have the insurance pay. I've only been there for a little under two years and the quote was WAY less than I thought it would be, so I'm not going to do that.  If this was life-saving surgery, or maybe if I was having more complications than I am AND it was $20,000.00, then I might consider appealing.  But I don't feel like that's the right thing to do in my case.

The receptionist wanted to schedule me for the surgery, but I have a lot going on at work between now and the end of the year, and we're also short-staffed right now. There's no way I could take that much time off from work right now. I'm planning on February.  That gives work a chance to settle down and also gives me time to save money and prepare for the process.

I'm completely over the moon that I'll be able to have the surgery!  Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel is near.

excess skin removal: denied by insurance

Well, I heard back from the plastic surgeon this past Wednesday about the claim sent to my insurance company for excess skin removal: I was denied. 


I can't say I'm surprised that I was denied, but I'm still extremely disappointed nonetheless.  I can't even appeal it, because there's no room in the policy for possible approval based on medical necessity. I was quite deflated, so Wednesday was Not a Good Day for me. It basically sucked all the motivation out of me. I know, that's extreme and I shouldn't let this cause a huge setback, but I was really counting on this. I didn't realize until the last month or so how much I want to do this. It's not really cosmetic at all.  It's about comfort. I want to be able to exercise to my fullest ability--certain exercises are tough or just not doable at the moment because I have all this hanging skin in the way.  I want to be able to button my pants and not have tuck in all that skin like a shirt. (Yes, that's really what it's like.)


Anyway, the surgeon's office is going to put together a quote to see how much it would be for me to pay on my own. I'm not confident that this will be attainable in 2017, but we'll see.  When I visited the surgeon for my consultation in August, she said that she typically discounts her fee in the event the patient has to pay out of pocket. (Makes me wonder how much these doctors inflate their costs when they know insurance is paying, but I guess that's the way this system works.) So, I'm hoping it's not totally outrageous. I'd surely have to get a loan for part or all of it, which I don't really want to do, but if it means comfort for me in the long term I'll do it.


So, as it stands now, I'm waiting on a quote from the surgeon's office. In the meantime I'll continue to workout and eat right. I'll try to use this as the push I need to get the surgery. Since I can't rely on insurance to help with the cost, it's all on me now. If I stop working out and eating right, I'll have wasted a lot of money in terms of a personal trainer and bariatric surgery.

a visit with a plastic surgeon

I posted a few weeks ago that I was going to visit a plastic surgeon to talk about excess skin removal. Well, I went last week and I'm here to give you the low-down.

Bob went with me so he could hear what the surgeon had to say about the procedure and recovery time. Since he's the one the burden falls to after surgery, that makes sense.

I started getting a little nervous as we walked into the waiting room. I was second-guessing myself as to whether this is something I really want to do and is necessary. Then when it came time to go into the examining room, I had a flight urge. But once the doctor came in, I was fine. 

When I walked into the examining room, I saw a cabinet, which had a bunch of saline breast implants on top, all lined up from smallest to largest. (Yes, I touched them! Although I waited until the doctor stepped out for a minute.) It was pretty much what I expected, as I had watched Botched the night before for the first time.

The doctor came in and asked me what I'd like done. I told her I has gastric bypass a couple years ago and would like to have the excess skin removed. She donned her gloves while I stripped. She then proceeded to poke, prod, and feel the excess skin on my abdomen to get a sense as to how soft and loose it is--that's how she can tell if there's still a lot of fat under the skin. She then recommended a panniculectomy and abdominoplasty. She explained that a panniculectomy would only remove the skin, not tighten it. I have a lot of loose skin under the breasts, which can only be tightened by abdominoplasty, so I would need both procedures done at once. There would be some liposuction also to remove any lingering fat in that area--the more loose skin she has to work with the better. It was weird to hear her say that my excess skin would be "in a bucket." But that's what they do. It's waste. The upper portion would be lipo-ed and pulled down like a shade and the belly button would be relocated (that freaks me out!). I would have two drains for about two weeks in order to drain the excess fluid. I would be totally out of work for about two weeks. Then it would depend on how I feel. She then took a bunch of pictures to include in the insurance file. For one of them I had to hold my abdominal skin up so she could see underneath it. She answered my questions and was very nice and informative. Overall, I'd say the exam went well. It was a bit embarrassing, though. I know Bob has seen my body a million times, but it's totally different when it's in a clinical setting.

The next step is to see if the insurance will approve it, which will take about a month. If it's approved, I then have six months to have it done. I'm thinking January/February. The doctor said that they've been having good luck with insurance approvals lately, so we're hoping for the best. It's possible that the panniculectomy will be approved, since it's medically necessary, but not the abdominoplasty, which is cosmetic. If nothing is approved then I will need to put it on hold and save the money. 

I've decided I want to do this and I feel it's necessary. I've had some rashes under the excess skin, it's sometimes uncomfortable to sleep since I'm a side-sleeper, and it limits my range of motion when working out. Some exercises I can't even do yet and others are difficult. Also, it's a real pain shopping for pants. 

Wish me luck!

my 500th blog post

Today I'm making my 500th blog post.  I can't believe it's been 500 posts and two and half years since I've started this blog. It's been a way for me to vent, possibly help someone else who is in the same boat, and just do what I like to do--write.

I wasn't really sure what to write about, since I don't really have anything "deep and meaningful" to say at the moment.  Maybe I'll save "deep and meaningful" for the 1,000th post.

Instead, I'll just say that I've finally made an appointment for a consultation to have my excess skin removed. I'll be going on August 3 to see the plastic surgeon.

Before the weight loss surgery, and even afterwards, I said that I didn't think I'd want to have the skin removed, as I'd be happy just to lose X pounds. However, I've changed my mind.  And it's not about appearance; it's about comfort, really.  I'm starting to experience discomfort when sleeping, since all that extra skin hangs to the side and I'm a side-sleeper.  It prevents me from doing certain exercises because it limits my range of movement.  Also, it's a real pain in the ass to shop for pants.  If I buy pants to fit my waist and all the skin, the legs and hips are huge.  If I buy them to fit my legs and hips, the waist is tight.

The procedure is called "panniculectomy" and is performed to remove the panniculus, which is the "apron" of excess skin and fat hanging from the lower abdomen.  Basically, it's what's left over after losing a ton of weight and having done all you can do in the exercise department. I've been reading a lot about it, and this is different from a abdominoplasty ("tummy tuck").  A tummy tuck is done more for cosmetic reasons--tighten the underlying muscles, remove excess fat and hanging skin--whereas the panniculectomy is more about medical necessity due to health and hygiene issues caused by a large and hanging panniculus.  What that means for me is that a tummy tuck likely wouldn't be covered by insurance; however, a panniculectomy might be covered.  If insurance will cover it, I'd much rather have the tummy tuck, as the panniculectomy wouldn't tighten the muscles, which means I might have to have a tummy tuck later if I want it look better.

Anyway, I had planned on waiting until I lost my weight regain (29 pounds...I've since lost 14 of those pounds!); however, both my bariatric surgeon and my trainer both say I should get a consultation now. That way, I know what I have to do to prepare, which procedure is right for me, how much it will cost (that scares me!), etc.

I'll be sure to report back after my appointment and let you know how it went. Bob will be going with me, as he wants to hear about the procedure, recovery time, etc..  He'll also be there to lend support, which I appreciate.

I'll leave you with a few pictures and posts that I've enjoyed throughout the last two and half years.

six months and 100 pounds lost
happy one year surgiversary to me!
my little black dress
on my own, but not all on my own

Bailey, Max and Leia.

Max as a kitten. :)

Before surgery.  Bermuda, September 2013.

 After surgery. 2015, I believe.

feeling nervous

This is what I deal with when I sit down to use 

the computer. Peek-a-boo, Thelma!

After last Friday's personal training session, I only have seven sessions left.  That makes me really nervous.  Although I've proven that I can do this, I feel I still need the accountability.  Sure, I do the prescribed exercise routine on the days I'm supposed to do it, but it's really hard to make myself get out there and do it. Several times, the only thing that got me outside to do it was knowing that I'd be seeing Mark soon. That, and I have this notion that he will somehow know if I don't do it.  Not only because he can tell by what I can accomplish at the studio, but because I feel like he just somehow KNOWS.  Like he's got a sixth sense or something. So, that keeps me going.

I'm thinking of buying more sessions and going only once per week.  That would give me the opportunity to do most of it on my own, while still being accountable and having someone to help me along.  Plus, I wouldn't have to spend as much money and I'd get another three months out of it.

What have I accomplished so far?

• I can run sprints.  In the backyard, I run from the patio to the barn, which is about 30 yards.  On the treadmill, I can do 6.5 mph for 45 seconds and then two more sprints at the same speed for 30 seconds. Doesn't sound like much, but I've never been able to do that before. I've discovered that I like running.  I think it appeals to the part of me that wants instant gratification.
• I still can't do a full pushup, but I can do at least 15 of them at once and can get about halfway down to the floor. Thinking back to day one, I struggled mightily with doing just three and my arms barely bended.
• I've lost 12 pounds:  I was 229 when I started seeing Mark and now I'm 217.
• I've lost about an inch and a half off my waist.
• I've discovered I actually don't hate exercise.  I hate squat jumps and jumping jacks, but I don't hate exercise in general.
• I can plank for 1:10.  I haven't been able to get beyond that, but I'm sure I will. Practice makes perfect!

I have only one appointment this week due to the holiday, so I'll be doing four sessions at home and only one with Mark.  I guess this is a good test to see if I can keep up with it. Considering I exercised this weekend--a weekend with two 90+ degree days--I'd say it's a safe bet that I can do it.  (Yes, it was completely disgusting outside! And yes, I did it in the morning before it got really hot outside.) The hardest part is getting up off the couch. 

updated exercise routine

The time has come for my home exercise routine to change. In preparation, I bought two kettle bells--15 lbs and 20 lbs--and two sets of free weights--5 lbs and 10 lbs. I'm really happy that the routine has changed, because I was getting bored of the old one. 

The new routine consists of:

• Jogging in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers, alternated three times for a total of 8 minutes
• Total of 50 walking lunges holding two 10 lb. free weights
• 2 sets of 15 kettle bell swings with a 10 lb. kettle bell
• 2 sets of 15 reverse lunges using a 10 lb. kettle bell
• 2 sets of 15 squat jumps (I HATE these!)
• 3 sprints, 25 yards each
• 4 sets of how ever many push-ups I can do: I still can't do a full push-up, but I'm getting there. I can do about 10 to 12 per set now.
• Plank, as long as I can hold it (I'm up to over a minute now!)

Last night was my appointment and I did a lot of reverse lunges, step-ups, sumo squats, and kettle bell swings. And he made me do squat jumps instead of pushups. 

We typically talk quite a bit during the session: nutrition tips, obesity amongst children (44% of children 12 and under are obese!), and some random stuff. Last night Mark mentioned that I should check into whether insurance would pay for the training, since it's related to the bariatric surgery and the need to have the excess skin removed. That would be great, because personal training is not cheap. I plan to check into it soon, because I'm already worried about how I'll do once the training sessions are done (I paid for three months). 

I also need to find a plastic surgeon once I get close to my goal, so that I can determine how much more weight I need to lose before the surgery. Also, I can then check into whether insurance will pay for some of it. Insurance may pay for the skin removal, but it has to be considered "medically necessary," which means that it causes me pain or infections. I'm not at that point yet, but it's definitely getting uncomfortable, as it pulls on me when I'm in bed on my side. And it's tough to shop for pants. I either have to buy them to fit my waist and the excess skin, or buy them to fit my legs. There's never a happy medium between the two, and it's frustrating. I've had a few rashes, but nothing that required medical attention.

Current weight: 219.4

small victories

This weekend's small victory:  I broke the one minute mark on the plank! Well, considering I beat my own record by 13 seconds, I'm thinking that qualifies as a big victory. :) I think it took about two and a half weeks to get to this point. My baseline was 14 seconds, so 1:05 is a big accomplishment. The goal is to eventually get to three minutes, which will mean I have a very strong core.  The short-term goal is 1:15 a week from now. I think I can do it. 

exercise update

Just thought I'd give an update on my progress with the personal trainer. I haven't had my weigh-in or body fat measurement this week; that happens Friday, and I'll be sure to post!

Mark has been increasing my weights gradually. I didn't actually notice it last week, but I sure noticed last night! When I started the kettle bell swings he has me using a 10 lb. bell, and last night I was using a 25 lb. bell. And for the medicine ball slams (you can see them here) I started at 8 lbs. and am up to 20 lbs. I was tired last night, but I felt good. And I'm finally starting to feel it in my abs.

My home routine is the same for now, but that will be changing next week. Mark is going to add kettle bell exercises and small free-weights, so I'll need to go buy those this weekend. I'm anxious to see what the new routine will look like, because I find it tough to do now. I can do it, but when it comes to the squat jumps I feel like I'm ready to die when I get to about 13..and I have to do 15--three times! That's probably because all the exercises at home involve my quads (lunges, body squats and squat jumps).

I'm doing better with my pushups. I can't do a full one yet, but I am going down a little lower and I can do 10 to 12 at a time.

I'm also practicing the plank. A couple weeks ago, I started out holding the position for only 15 seconds (I have a very weak core) and I'm now up to 38 seconds. Mark was happy with that improvement, but wants me up to 45 seconds by Friday. I can do it!

making progress...slowly

Things are getting harder in the exercise department. Diet department, too.

I've been seeing the trainer, Mark, for about three weeks now.  I'm not feeling the pain nearly as much as I did that first week.  And what a painful week that was! I had to use the handicap toilet stall so I could use the railing to lower myself down. For the most part, I don't have any soreness the next day. That's good for me, but it also means Mark will work me harder. That's actually a good thing, but it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

Last Monday I did mostly arm work, like sumo squats with a kettle bell; reverse lunges with a kettle bell, which alternated from side to side; and kettle bell swings, to name a few.  And push-ups, of course; that will never go away.  Surprisingly, my aren't weren't sore the next day.

Last night was a combo of arms and legs.  Or quads, I should say.  More sumo squats with a 20 lb kettle bell; an exercise where I hold a weight in each hand, squat down and touch the floor, and then come back up and press up over my head; squats where I slam down a 12 lb medicine ball when I go into the squat; and a few other things.  He had me start using the barbell, which didn't have any additional weight on it...yet.  I know that's coming soon.  Mark then showed me the plank position, which is much harder than it looks. My base time is 15 seconds.  Not great, but it's a start.  It was a very tough workout and I was so tired when I finished last night! I'm a bit sore today, but not as bad as that first week.

My "home work" for the next week or so consists of:

• Jogging in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers, alternated three times for a total of 8 minutes
• Total of 50 walking lunges
• 3 sets of 20 body squats
• 3 sets of 15 squat jumps
• 4 sets of how ever many push-ups I can do:  I still can't do a full push-up, but I'm getting there.  I can do about 7 to 8 per set now.
• Plank, as long as I can hold it

Mark measured my weight and body fat last night for the first time:  226.4 lbs and 38.4%.  Not terrible, but I have some work to do.

I have to say, I'm definitely not in the mood to do it today, but I will do it anyway.  I want results and I eventually want this extra skin removed.  It's mainly my abdomen that's an issue.  When I was doing the squats where I had to touch the floor with the weights, my stomach was definitely in the way and prevented me from going down farther. It was annoying.

I'm enjoying the whole experience overall.  I feel like I'm getting stronger, I have a desire to be more active, and Mark is a great trainer.  He's patient, but firm.  He's not like the trainers you see on The Biggest Loser.  Although some trainers are like that and it works for some people, that's not something I would want. He makes me work, but doesn't yell at me; he's encouraging.  He's also a fountain of information. Since I have guidelines to follow at my surgeon's office, Mark doesn't try to swing me to his side of the nutrition spectrum.  He gives me tips and tells me to use what I can, but also work with the surgeon's office.  I listen to what he has to say and try and incorporate what I can, like sticking to hard cheeses (much less processing) and limiting salt.

Well, I guess I should go do my exercise routine now...

(But I'd rather be doing this!)

time to get fit!

I have to admit, weight loss surgery has made me even less inclined to exercise.  Mainly because the pounds just fly off in the first six months.  The post-ops who go on about how they love exercise, love the gym, the gym is their life, etc., just totally baffle me. Don't get me wrong--I understand they've found a new habit and that helps them stay on track.  But I just get the whole love of exercise.  Do I have a lot more energy since losing weight?  Yes.  Does it make me want to get off my ass and go to the gym?  No.  I'm much more inclined to go run errands or do stuff around the house or yard.  I've exercised off and on since surgery, but haven't put any real effort into it. But that's about to change.

A couple weeks ago I finally made the decision to go to a personal trainer. Why?  Three reasons:  1) I need the push; 2) I need to learn what I should be doing and how I should be doing it so that I get maximum benefit and I don't hurt myself; 3) I eventually want to have the excess skin removed around my abdomen, and in order to have a successful surgery and easier recovery, I need to have a very strong core.

Now, before someone says, "Just exercise and the skin will go away!", no it won't.  The surgeon told me that, the dietitian told me that, the trainer told me that, and I know it from researching and talking to other WLS patients.  So please don't even go there. (I get highly annoyed when people say crap like that. I shouldn't because they're not in my shoes and don't know better, but still.) I've had a whole lifetime of weight gain and loss and back again.  My skin is worn out and no amount of exercise will make it snap back.  Imagine an old pair of elastic-waist pants.  You stretch the waist and it doesn't snap back.  Same thing with my skin. Anyway...

I chose a place close to my house.  I went to see it last week.  The owner, Ryan, opened the place last April.  I like the place:  it's very clean, it has two private training studios (it's not a gym), and there's a nice variety of equipment.  I'm sad there's not an elliptical machine, but I can go to the gym for that. I'm a little nervous that there are no weight machines, as that is what I've used any time I've gone to the gym.  I've never used the barbells or free weights. He mentioned a pull-up bar and all I could think about was elementary school; I could never do even one pull-up.  I thought it would be a quick look around, but I was there for almost two hours!  We talked about my diet, my past weight loss efforts, physical ability, etc.  Ryan didn't try to sell me anything, and actually said that I don't need to come three to four times a week.  He feels two days is best, because it can get very expensive very quickly.  He said as long as I supplement with at least two other days of exercise, two days with them is enough:  I'll learn what I need to learn in order to move on, I won't get overworked, and it won't be super expensive.   He said the only way I should do more training sessions is if I'm completely unmotivated to exercise by myself.  He also explained that he has several trainers and he wants to make sure it's a match on both ends, so I shouldn't feel bad if I want to switch for someone else.

When I emailed Ryan initially asking for pricing information, I totally expected him to tell me I have to come in and we'll talk about.  Nope.  He actually gave me the information.  That impressed me and gave me the sense that he's not going to give me a hard sell.  And he didn't.  Didn't try to sell me supplements or anything like that either.  Best part was that a Groupon came up in my email that same night. Plus, Groupon gave me a promo code for $30.00 off. So I get 5 training sessions for $70.00 total.  Then after that I'll start paying the regular rate. I won't be able to continue past three months due to cost, but this should give me the solid foundation I need.

Ryan paired me with another trainer, since he's not available at the same time I am.  The trainer trains the state police cadets every morning, which is a little intimidating.  But I had a nice long conversation with him on the phone and he explained he's not one to work his clients so hard they puke or can't move at all the next day.  He said he doesn't do that, because then no one would want to come back and they would probably give up.

I had my first appointment last night, which I'll post about this weekend.

my "me" weekend

This past weekend was all about me.  Mostly.  After visiting the dietitian last week I went shopping to get some items that I need to keep me on track as I try to refocus and lose the last of the weight.  I stocked the freezer, even pulling out the big guns:  the Food Saver.  Bob and I went through the freezer and rearranged it, as it was just a big jumbled mess. We also moved the older stuff to the regular freezer and the newer stuff to the deep freezer.  I found a few things I forgot were in there, so those got defrosted and cooked, and were then put in the Food Saver and frozen for quick meals later on.

So, here's all the stuff I've bought over the last few weeks.  I included my vitamins and calcium.  I actually bought three months' worth, but I only included one month in the picture.  I bought lots of protein bars, some sugar-free syrups for shakes and slushies, shake mix, wheat berries and Bulgar wheat (no idea why I got that, I must have seen a recipe somewhere), and a new lunch box and additional containers.  As you can see, these items are Tiffany-approved.

Bob and I had to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond because the Keurig died.  I ended up buying a steamer insert for my pot.  It was on sale and then I had a 20% off coupon, so I was a happy camper.  I decided to buy the steamer so I can make fish fillets.  I've used the Ziploc steamer bags, but it seems like such a waste...and an expense I don't need.

I did lots of cooking this weekend in preparation for the upcoming weeks.  Lately I've been buying a lot of discounted meat.  I get to the grocery store around 8 am on the weekend, as that's when they mark down meat that has a "Use By" date within the next two to three days.  I started doing this last year when we went through hell, and a lot of expense, evicting our former tenants.  Plus, the price of beef was outrageous.  When going through the freezer this weekend I realized I have a bit too much meat, so I took out some split chicken breasts.  I removed the skin and bones, which I then used to make chicken stock (back of the stove).  I grilled the breast meat with Borsari seasoned salt.  One chicken breast had a homemade seasoned salt I made from sea salt and the Tawa Fry Masala spice blend I bought at the Indian grocery last week.  I also made a big batch of hard boiled eggs; a bunch of sausage, egg and cheese sandwiches for Bob; and cut up a bunch of celery and cheese for snacks. I also made a batch of barbecued chicken legs for my friend.

It was a very productive weekend, and I was spent on Sunday night.  But now I have two organized freezers, a lot vacuum-packed meat, a bunch of food all ready to go for the week and beyond, and I'm focused again.

a visit to the dietitian

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I made an appointment with the dietitian at my surgeon's office, because I got an ass chewing at my two-year post-op checkup (which I totally needed to hear!).  I was supposed to go on February 23, but it snowed and they closed the office early.  I was incredibly disappointed, since I planned to take that Friday off work so I could have a "me" weekend:  stocking the cabinets, fridge and freezer with the foods I should be eating, cooking in bulk, and basically just getting my focus back so I can lose the last of the weight.  Since they rescheduled for March 1, I decided to take this past Friday off instead, which actually worked out better for me.

I was happy to hear they have a new dietitian, as I really wasn't thrilled with the last one they had, so I was excited about the appointment.  The one I had before my surgery just really never had anything to say.  She handed me a pre- and post-op binder and then asked if I had any questions.  Um, yeah. What should I be eating to prepare for surgery?  Do I need to lose weight?  Maintain? Do I need to start supplements yet? And after surgery, she was on maternity leave and then just never came back, so the physician's assistant took over (she's no longer there, since the doc cleaned house).  She was better, but I was never told eat this kind of protein, take this kind of supplement, don't take my calcium within three to four hours of taking anything containing iron, etc.  Really, most of what I learned I learned by reading other blogs and chat forums.  I felt that I really needed some guidance, even though I'm more than two years post-op.

Unfortunately, they double-booked the appointment and were also running behind, so I was about 45 minutes late in getting in to see the dietitian, Nancy.  She was very nice and had lots of questions for me.  I told her about my daily food intake, what I normally eat--good and bad--, what I'm having trouble with (snacking!  crunchy carbs!), the fact that I track input off and on (more off than on...), etc.  She made some suggestions, like cutting a protein bar into pieces and snacking on it throughout the day.  This was new to me, since the physician's assistant always said that we shouldn't eat protein bars, as they're not "real food."  Nancy disagreed and said that many are high in fiber, low in sugar and are made with high quality protein.

This is the good part, and what made it worth the long drive and the wait.  Nancy then asked me how many calories I eat. I told her I try for 900, but feel that's too high.  She gave me a weird look.  She asked, "why 900?" I told her that that's what I had read all over the internet and seemed to be the popular consensus, plus that's what the physician's assistant told me about six months ago.  She said that I should be eating more than that, because I'm tall and have a bigger frame.  She then suggested a new way of tracking my intake that might be a lot easier and fast track the weight loss:  track protein intake, not calories. She said that I should up my protein to 85g-100g a day and get about 30% of my calories from protein.  So, after doing some math, that means I can eat about 1300 calories a day, of which 400 of those will come from protein.  She said that most of the time, concentrating on the (lean) protein intake will cause the calories to take care of themselves. Assuming I don't load up with butter or other fats, of course.

So, even though I had to drive an hour each way and wait 45 minutes to get in, it was totally worth it just to hear that I've been doing it wrong by aiming for too few calories. I never thought I'd hear that!  And that really helped get my head back in the game.  When I was aiming for 900 calories, most days I felt defeated before I even started.  There's just something about seeing that number in writing and then seeing it dwindle to almost nothing after inputting my breakfast, lunch and snacks, and then realizing at 3 pm I have about 300 calories for the rest of the day. That might sound like a lot to some people, but it's really not when you factor in any fats or condiments and the fact that you still have about seven to eight hours before bedtime.  But now I have a new focus:  protein.  I think that will help me lost the rest of the weight, because I have to get "at least X number," rather than "no more than X number."  I'd much rather track protein than calories!