what keeps me going?

Recently I was posting in a comment thread on a website I read regularly. The discussion was about working out and what we accomplished last week, and are planning to do next week. I posted that I work out five days a week: four days on my own and one day with my trainer. My main accomplishment was that I kept up with it, even though my back was bothering me more that week. I had one day where I just wasn't feeling the motivation at all. I still worked out, but I took it easy; I pretty much just slogged through it, though. (My trainer had me do burpees the day before, which might be why my back was bothering me more. I hate burpees, mainly because with my back issues, I’m always worried I’ll hurt myself, but he limits it to about 6-10 reps and makes sure before I do them that I’m feeling up to it. Since I haven’t done them very much yet, I’m pretty awkward at it. Plus I have long legs and it makes it hard to get down on the floor and then back up the way I’m supposed to.) The other accomplishment was that I'd added 10 pounds to the lateral pulldown, for a total of 60 pounds. It was tough, but I did it. I also did some chest presses (30 pounds--I'm a weakling!), which I don’t normally do. I’m hoping that doing them will help me to eventually do a full pushup; it’s been two years of working out and I STILL can’t get all the way down into a full pushup. 

As a follow-up, someone asked me how I stay motivated. I had weight loss surgery over four years ago and then had a tummy tuck last year to repair the abdominal muscles and remove a bunch of excess skin on my abdomen. Between the money I spent for that–insurance wouldn’t cover a lot of it, and the tummy tuck was totally out of pocket– and the money I spend on a trainer, even for once a week, I know that if I don’t work out on my own at least three to four times a week, I’m wasting money and will have wasted a lot of money, time, pain and hard work if I gain all the weight back. I’d be an asshole if I let that happen. Honestly, that’s actually what keeps me going. Now that I’ve been doing it for two years, I just know it’s something I have to do for the rest of my life if I want to stay in shape, help my back feel better (bulging discs and an annular tear, plus scoliosis), not regain the weight and feel good about myself. I’ve just accepted that this is part of my life and daily routine, so I just suck it up and do it. (It took a long time to accept this!) Instead of taking a lunch hour at work, I eat at my desk and then go in the gym from 4 pm-5 pm. I don’t love it, and I barely like it much of the time, but I like feeling physically strong. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I just keep in mind that the next hour is going to tick by whether I exercise or not. It’s inevitable that the time will pass. Might as well just do it and get it over with so I feel better about myself. I spent the first 39 years of my life being overweight (as young as three, I think), then obese (pre-teen through about 24), and then morbidly obese (probably 25 through 39). I’m tired of that and I’m not going back. And in order to not go back, I have to keep up the workouts.

I’m very proud of myself that I’m still working out consistently after two years. I’ve never made it this far before. Normally six months is the point at which I get bored with just about anything I try. Going to a trainer once a week is a huge help–if I don’t workout on my own at least three times a week, it’s a total waste of money, which is mostly what keeps me going. Plus I don’t want to gain all the weight back or wreck the tummy tuck I had.

I don't continue to workout because I love it. I do it because I should and it makes me feel good. It also keeps the back pain under control. I look around at a lot of other people who have lost a lot of weight by whatever means, and so many of them talk about how they just love to workout and they have so much energy, etc., etc., etc. It really annoys me that that didn’t happen to me. I’m still not a high energy person even though I’m no longer morbidly obese, and I don’t love working out and I have to force myself to do it, but I do it nonetheless. I’m proud of myself that I never skip “just because.” If I skip, it’s because I’m sick, super busy, or my back is really acting up. (And travel is not an excuse to skip: hotels have gyms. If not, I can do a bodyweight workout in my hotel room.) I never cancel the trainer, either, without a good reason. Just because I pay him doesn't mean I can cancel last minute because "I don't feel like." That's just rude and lazy. His time, personal and working, is valuable.

So, what's the key takeaway from this long, pictureless post? Just suck it up and do it. Get off your ass and get it over with. You'll feel better and get a sense of accomplishment that you're doing something good for yourself, both mentally and physically. And it won't kill you. Really. (But do make sure you're well enough to exercise before starting!)

meal prep: chicken with baked sweet potatoes and green beans

It's been awhile since I've done any meal prep, and it's showing in my current inability to stick to my eating plan, which of course means the scale isn't moving down like it was a couple weeks ago.  I used to do meal prep just about every week, but I admit I've been lazy about it. I need to get back to it so I can eat better and stick to my plan. And it's especially important now since my husband also needs to eat better.

A meal prep post from a website I enjoy recently popped up in the Facebook feed, so I decided to try it out. It came from Budget Bytes and it's a full meal:  chicken breast, sweet potatoes and green beans.  Aside from the fact that most of her meals are pretty easy, one of the main reasons I chose this recipe was because I'd bought some sweet potatoes...and never used them. Of course. I do that all the time. I buy stuff and then either forget I bought it, or forget what recipe I bought it for, or just get lazy and decide I don't feel like using whatever I bought.I was determined to not do that this time.

The recipe calls for trying the chicken breast; however, I hate the cleanup so I grilled it instead. I baked the sweet potatoes according to the recipe, although I omitted the cayenne pepper. Bob doesn't like a lot of spice, and cayenne tends to be pretty hot even when you use just a tiny dash. I made sure to line the baking sheet with foil, because I hate cleaning baking sheets. It seems like no matter how much you scrub, they never come completely clean. And OMG they smelled so delicious while cooking! I could smell the cinnamon. For the beans I finally used the steamer pan I bought last year. It was so easy and the beans came out perfect! I'd definitely make this again. It was easy and everything tasted great.

Here's the finished product.  And here's the recipe:  Smoky Chicken and Cinnamon Roasted Sweet Potatoes

Look at all that carmelization. No sugar added! Those are the natural sugars in the potatoes.

The beans are nice and bright after steaming. I love this steamer pan. You just set it on top of a pan of boiling water and put the lid on.

The finished beans. Just butter, course salt and ground pepper.

And here's lunch. I made a couple for myself and a few for Bob. Just grab it from the fridge and go to work. Obviously his had a whole chicken breast. This was my portion, which I could just about finish.

birthday cake for a crowd

I took some cake decorating classes at the local craft store a few years ago, just for something to do. I found it to be fun and I seemed to have a knack for it; however, I quickly discovered that I would never want to make it a side business. Recently I was asked to make a birthday cake for my niece's girlfriend.  I, of course, said yes.

I like the process of deciding on a design (usually something simple), colors and flavors. The idea I start out with, though, typically changes based on how I'm feeling as the date approaches, what recipes I come across and want to try, how easy and/or expensive it is to get unusual ingredients, and whether I'm in the mood to make the cake. (Another reason why I could never have a cake business--people probably wouldn't get exactly what they asked for!)

My niece sent me a bunch of Pinterest pictures to give me an idea of what she and her girlfriend's family were looking for, many of which were just a little too complicated for me; all of them called for the use of fondant, which I'm not very good at.  Plus, it just doesn't taste good. We settled on a three-tiered cake that was pink, gold and white.

OK, so the colors and size were settled. Then it was on to flavors. My niece said she wanted one tier to be chocolate, one white and the third marble.  I was a little worried about making marble cake, since I'd never made it before, but I was willing to try.  I then had to decide on frosting flavors. My original plan was to use vanilla buttercream for the whole cake and just use some coloring; however, chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream didn't seem appealing to me, and neither did white cake with plain, boring buttercream.  I thought about it for a bit and then made my decision:  I ended up making the top tier chocolate with almond buttercream, the middle was white butter cake with strawberry buttercream (fresh strawberries!), and the bottom was marble cake with vanilla buttercream.

For the top two tiers I used recipes from my favorite cake book, The Cake Bible by Rose Levy Beranbaum.  I really like her recipes. Although they can seem a little complicated or fussy at first, one can't argue with the results: the recipes work, I've never had one fail yet, and I always get rave reviews. For the chocolate cake I made her chocolate fudge cake recipe, which uses brown sugar instead of white sugar, and I think that makes a big difference. It was soft with a fine crumb and fudgy-tasting. When people say they made a chocolate cake, I usually feel a little disappointed and pass on it, because almost every chocolate cake I've had, whether it's from a box or the bakery, is a bit dry, bland and boring; however, this is not that bland, boring chocolate cake--it actually tastes like chocolate and it's rich! For the white cake I made her white velvet butter cake, which was very soft and buttery.  The marble cake was a recipe I found online, and it came out perfect:  very moist, a little dense, and delicious.

As for frosting, I settled on an almond buttercream for the chocolate cake. I hadn't thought of almond at all; however, as I was going through my cabinets looking (hoping) for inspiration, I noticed a bottle of almond extract. I set out to Googling and quickly found something super easy with only a few ingredients:  butter, powdered sugar, almond and vanilla extracts, a little salt, and milk. Done. For the white cake I used my tried-and-true vanilla buttercream recipe I got from my cake decorating instructor years ago and added puree made from fresh strawberries and lemon juice. (Note:  DO NOT add chilled puree to a finished buttercream frosting--the fat, which is either butter, shortening or a combo of both, will start to congeal and it will have a nasty, greasy mouth feel, and you'll have to hopefully beat it back into submission. Not that I EVER did that, of course...) Done. For the marble cake I used the vanilla buttercream mentioned above.  Done.

The top of the cake was decorated with Wilton candy sprinkles. Although I don't feel like these qualify as "sprinkles." They're more like candy discs. I tried using the Wilton Color Mist in Gold and it was a huge fail. It made the frosting a nasty apricot color and it started running. Thankfully the "sprinkled" completely covered the problem. No special decoration on the pink layer since it already had the pretty little pieces of strawberry and the seeds. The white layer was decorated with Wilton Candy Pearls on the top and sides. (You'd laugh if you knew how I achieved this look:  think "cake as dartboard.") The rim on the bottom was made with Sixlets candy, which Party City carries in many different colors. I added some artificial roses for decoration. I assembled it at home and transported it as you see it. It was a white-knuckled ride, but the cake made it in one piece.  When I got there I had several people ask me if I had a cake business. NO!!! I like doing it, but it's stressful, tedious, and takes a long time. I'm always happy to get the cake done and out of my house so I don't have to think about it again. 

It seemed to be a big hit and most of the cake was eaten. I'd heard that many people had two pieces, which was a nice compliment. But it doesn't make me want to do one again anytime soon.