working on me

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I'm unhappy with my new job.  Mostly I'm unhappy because I took the wrong job.  I discovered only a week into it that I just don't want to do this kind of work anymore.  Actually, I knew on the first day when I pulled into the parking lot.  I had an overwhelming gut feeling that I was in the wrong place, and actually said it out loud before I even turned the engine off.  But I ignored it, figuring it was just nerves and told myself to give things a chance.  After all, I was in one place for 17 years.  After 2 1/2 weeks, though, I knew it wasn't just nerves.  I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd made a horrible mistake. So, I contacted the other company that I turned down twice for different jobs.  Unfortunately, I couldn't get in there.  There's still hope, and I won't know for sure for another month or so, but now I'm worried about what I'll do if I can't get that job.

At almost 40 years old, I'm struggling with what I want to be "when I grow up."  I never thought I'd be in this position at this stage of my life.  I thought I'd be at my old job forever.  Naive, I know.  I do know I don't want to do a lot of what I did at my last job.  I was a Jill-of-all-trades there, which meant I had tons to do and was involved in everything.  I always bitched and moaned that I couldn't "get anything done because of this or because of that," or "if only I didn't have to do X then I would be able to devote more time to Y," etc. I thought I wanted to be focused in one area and not have to deal with all the other garbage.  Turns out I love the garbage.  And the diversity and independence I had.  The things I thought were a royal pain in the ass at the time turned out to be the things that made the other half of the job, the half that required documentation and lots of attention to detail, tolerable.

I've been stressing out quite a bit, trying to figure out what kind of job I'll look for if I don't get into the company I want to get into.  In order to try and figure it out, I bought a self-help book I saw mentioned on a blog I read, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, by Barbara Sher.  I've started reading it and I like so far.  There are lots of exercises to do.  Then it dawned on me today:  I'll blog about the book and the exercises.  I figure it will help me get through the book (I've never yet finished a self-help book) and it will provide some entertainment to whoever is reading this blog.  I'll start posting about it this week.