what keeps me going?

Recently I was posting in a comment thread on a website I read regularly. The discussion was about working out and what we accomplished last week, and are planning to do next week. I posted that I work out five days a week: four days on my own and one day with my trainer. My main accomplishment was that I kept up with it, even though my back was bothering me more that week. I had one day where I just wasn't feeling the motivation at all. I still worked out, but I took it easy; I pretty much just slogged through it, though. (My trainer had me do burpees the day before, which might be why my back was bothering me more. I hate burpees, mainly because with my back issues, I’m always worried I’ll hurt myself, but he limits it to about 6-10 reps and makes sure before I do them that I’m feeling up to it. Since I haven’t done them very much yet, I’m pretty awkward at it. Plus I have long legs and it makes it hard to get down on the floor and then back up the way I’m supposed to.) The other accomplishment was that I'd added 10 pounds to the lateral pulldown, for a total of 60 pounds. It was tough, but I did it. I also did some chest presses (30 pounds--I'm a weakling!), which I don’t normally do. I’m hoping that doing them will help me to eventually do a full pushup; it’s been two years of working out and I STILL can’t get all the way down into a full pushup. 

As a follow-up, someone asked me how I stay motivated. I had weight loss surgery over four years ago and then had a tummy tuck last year to repair the abdominal muscles and remove a bunch of excess skin on my abdomen. Between the money I spent for that–insurance wouldn’t cover a lot of it, and the tummy tuck was totally out of pocket– and the money I spend on a trainer, even for once a week, I know that if I don’t work out on my own at least three to four times a week, I’m wasting money and will have wasted a lot of money, time, pain and hard work if I gain all the weight back. I’d be an asshole if I let that happen. Honestly, that’s actually what keeps me going. Now that I’ve been doing it for two years, I just know it’s something I have to do for the rest of my life if I want to stay in shape, help my back feel better (bulging discs and an annular tear, plus scoliosis), not regain the weight and feel good about myself. I’ve just accepted that this is part of my life and daily routine, so I just suck it up and do it. (It took a long time to accept this!) Instead of taking a lunch hour at work, I eat at my desk and then go in the gym from 4 pm-5 pm. I don’t love it, and I barely like it much of the time, but I like feeling physically strong. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I just keep in mind that the next hour is going to tick by whether I exercise or not. It’s inevitable that the time will pass. Might as well just do it and get it over with so I feel better about myself. I spent the first 39 years of my life being overweight (as young as three, I think), then obese (pre-teen through about 24), and then morbidly obese (probably 25 through 39). I’m tired of that and I’m not going back. And in order to not go back, I have to keep up the workouts.

I’m very proud of myself that I’m still working out consistently after two years. I’ve never made it this far before. Normally six months is the point at which I get bored with just about anything I try. Going to a trainer once a week is a huge help–if I don’t workout on my own at least three times a week, it’s a total waste of money, which is mostly what keeps me going. Plus I don’t want to gain all the weight back or wreck the tummy tuck I had.

I don't continue to workout because I love it. I do it because I should and it makes me feel good. It also keeps the back pain under control. I look around at a lot of other people who have lost a lot of weight by whatever means, and so many of them talk about how they just love to workout and they have so much energy, etc., etc., etc. It really annoys me that that didn’t happen to me. I’m still not a high energy person even though I’m no longer morbidly obese, and I don’t love working out and I have to force myself to do it, but I do it nonetheless. I’m proud of myself that I never skip “just because.” If I skip, it’s because I’m sick, super busy, or my back is really acting up. (And travel is not an excuse to skip: hotels have gyms. If not, I can do a bodyweight workout in my hotel room.) I never cancel the trainer, either, without a good reason. Just because I pay him doesn't mean I can cancel last minute because "I don't feel like." That's just rude and lazy. His time, personal and working, is valuable.

So, what's the key takeaway from this long, pictureless post? Just suck it up and do it. Get off your ass and get it over with. You'll feel better and get a sense of accomplishment that you're doing something good for yourself, both mentally and physically. And it won't kill you. Really. (But do make sure you're well enough to exercise before starting!)