the war on back pain

Back pain. Annoying, fucking back pain. It's the story of my life lately.

It seems like back pain has always a part of my life. Sometimes more than others. I've been living with chronic lower back pain for years. How many? I'm not exactly sure. I feel like what started it all was a fall in third grade. I remember falling off the monkey bars flat onto my back. We had a new school nurse start that day and she didn't know her way around the school yet. So, rather than take me in the closest door, which was the fourth grade wing, she walked me all the way around to the first/second/third grade wing on the other side, down the long hall and to the nurse's office. I think, through my school years, I probably was sore by the time I got home from school. But I just don't remember (sometimes I honestly think I've blocked out all my schooling years, because I can't remember very much). 

I have no idea when it started being a real problem, although I'm guessing probably when I started working at a desk. Sitting is really bad for the back. The pain ranges anywhere from "barely noticeable but there" to "I can barely walk." But most of the time it's somewhere in between. Meaning, I feel good when I walk around, work out, or keep moving in general, but after sitting for about 30 minutes it starts to hurt. And since I have a desk job, that means I'm generally in some level of pain for most of the workday, which means I'm generally squirmy, somewhat distracted depending on the level of pain, and have a hard time getting work done. And, I'll admit, it severely increases my "head hunger."

Head hunger is when you think you're hungry, but what's really going on is you want a distraction from some emotion you're feeling: you're bored, anxious, sad, etc. (There's an article on it here.) In other words, you're not actually physically hungry. So when my back is bothering me, like it is right now, I'm thinking about going to grab some pretzels from the department's community table, or going to see what's in the cold case in the cafeteria. (And that's why I'm fighting a 10 pound weight gain; I just can't seem to reign it in.)

So anyway, I've done lots over the years for my pain. I've gone to the chiropractor off and on since I was a young teenager, sometimes with heat treatments and sometimes without. I've used a back brace, which I'm using now. It helps quite a bit while I'm wearing it, but the pain comes back without it, so it's really something to be used along with other treatments. Muscle relaxers, which help when I have a muscle spasm. Celebrex, which is an NSAID. Unfortunately I can't use it very much since I'm a gastric bypass patient and it can cause stomach damage. Lots and lots of Tylenol. Prescription Ibuprofen, which I can't use anymore because of weight loss surgery. Ice. Heat. Exercise. Physical therapy.

At the moment, I'm in a very long pain cycle; it's been over a month. The week my brother died I had to make three out-of-state road trips, which has really done a number on my back. Obviously I couldn't avoid the road trips and I knew this would happen, so I used the back brace as a preventative measure. Also during that week I worked from home a bit, and since I don't have a proper desk chair, that also caused some pain. That lead to several muscle spasms. I'd have one, it would somewhat improve, and then I'd be hit with another. Even though I work out five days a week and try to keep moving, sitting at my desk at work all day pretty much cancels that out. I'm using the back brace, Celebrex, muscle relaxers and Tylenol. Now I'm having slightly different pain. It doesn't feel like my muscles. It feels more like my bones or nerves maybe, almost like my spine is compressed. I dread going to bed because it's not restful. I wake up in pain everyday. It's really exhausting.

I just can't stand this anymore. I never have a day when I feel "good." (I never understood when my mother would say that, but now I do and it SUCKS!) There's never a day when I don't feel some form of back pain. At 42, I don't think that I should be feeling like this all the time.

I've decided it's time for an MRI, so I scheduled an appointment with the orthopedic doctor. I plan to ask for an MRI (I had the choice last time and said no) and to also get a note stating a need a standing desk for work. Unfortunately I couldn't get in until September 22, and I'll have to drive to a more distant location since the one near me is booked. I'll report back once I know something.